


Nonsense Speaker

by SammyWitchy



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Endgame spoilers if you squint, Endgame still hurts, Gen, I live for making characters suffer, I'm so sorry, Iron Dad, Kat is gonna kill me oh god, Open Ending, Peter is a sad boy and it hurt me to do this, Post-Endgame, Song lyrics for Nonsense Speaker are from rachie's video, Songfic, Suffering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 07:11:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19763143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SammyWitchy/pseuds/SammyWitchy
Summary: After the war, Peter reflects, but can't seem to get past his own insecurities and guilt.





	Nonsense Speaker

**Author's Note:**

> Oh god oh fuck Kat is going to kill me

_I try to ignore the hurt inside, and bit by bit, part of me dies._

Peter tunes out the voices around him. The apologies, the “it’s not your fault”s, coming from the other survivors after returning home.

_The smile on my face, is just a lie. A lie, a lie, I just can't hide._

He smiles and shakes his head, agreeing with them in a sad voice; he ignores the stabbing in his chest. A sword of guilt he digs into his own heart.

_The blade of a knife that cuts so deep. The pain, the pain. I don't dare speak._

He can feel their eyes on him whenever he’s around. He can feel the burning gaze of their sympathy. He hates it.

He can hear the whispers around school. He can hear them speak about him in low whispers, about the internship, about lies, about him.

_I can't let you know, the way I feel. A secret I will keep._

Most of the time Peter has to force himself from bed, has to force himself out of bed, force himself to go out in this cruel and unforgiving universe. The same universe that thinks it’s ok to take everything Peter has ever loved, and let hope crumble away in his hands, just as he crumbled under a burning sky.

_I don’t need your sympathy, Your vicious lies are killing me. And you don't even understand, the things I feel or who I am._

And yet, despite it all, despite the ever so numbing pain in his entire being, he refuses to let others feel the same pain he feels. So, he throws on a fake smile as often as he can, and lets out a joke, a pun, anything really to get someone to smile, and usually, it works. Whoever he’s trying to get to smile, be it Mr. Barton, Happy, or even Pepper, lets out a chuckle, a soft smile gracing their lips. He knows they think he’s healing, but in reality? He’d rather suffer himself then let everyone around him hurt.

_Try so hard to bring you joy my heart is cold the flame has died. I hide behind the lie that has become,_

_The new "Me"._

Most nights are spent sleepless. Staring up above him, and painfully imagining better times, past times, or even what could have happened, had everything not gone down the way it had. Those are the times Peter really lets himself cry, lets himself mourn. The times where he’s truly alone, where no one can question him, offer him things they really can’t provide. He knows one day, be it next week, or five years from now, he’ll heal. He’ll be able to look at the old photos with a sad smile, and a slight pang in his chest, rather then the hopeless, hopeless, gut wrenching feeling of uselessness, not being able to do enough. He should have been able to do enough.

_I toss and I turn, I just can't sleep. You're gone, so long, that's fine with me._

Time goes on, and the feeling of uselessness only grows, and so, he lies to himself. Trying to convince his brain that he’s ok. That he can move on, to please just move on. **_Please,_** **_I can’t take it anymore._**

_I won't turn around, my mind is clear._

_But the wounds that you leave._

_Never heal._

Sometimes Peter finds himself trying to pin the blame on others. On Mr. Steve for breaking up the team and not telling the truth about Mr. Bucky. On Ms. Captain Marvel for not being there when she could have been. On everyone and everything else, just so he can try to stop blaming himself for once.

_Now I know you'll never change, you got that same look on your face, and things will never be the same. It’s over now and you're to blame._

Peter really wishes he could stop feeling. He finds himself home alone, drowning in his own tears, trying so hard to tear at his own chest, just to get the pain to stop. **_Please why won’t it just stop._ **

His face is wet with tears and yet he feels nothing but numbness, and for a while, he’s content. That is, until the stabbing pain returns, the uselessness, the feeling of hopelessness tearing at his entire being. He only blames himself for this feeling.

_Twist the knife, I feel the pain. You hurt me but I won't complain. I'm like a fool_

_I'm smiling through the tears._

_A fool_

_For you._

When he dreams, it’s of nothingness. He can’t see anything, but he hears the whispers of those he misses most, taunting him from oblivion. Sometimes, from within the dream, he feels warmth, but when he tries to find it’s source, it vanishes, and he wakes up, and for a second, there's nothing. No numbness, no pain. Nothing.

_A trick of the light_

_Where am I?_

_Time fades away, like yesterday._

Time comes and goes, and nothing changes. Peter sometimes wonders what Mr.Stark would say if he saw him now. Would he blame him too? He wouldn't blame him if he did. 

_I don't need your sympathy, your vicious lies, they're killing me, and things will never be the same._

_It's over now and I'm to blame._

He’s writing letters, one for each remaining Avenger, one for each of his friends, one for Happy, one for Pepper, one for Rhodey, and one for May. He really hopes they can forgive him, though he wouldn't blame them if they didn’t. 

_Can you do one last thing for me?_

_Put me out of my misery._

Peter looks down, and really wonders if it’s enough. He can feel the tears on his cheeks, and the wind in his hair. It feels nice to be able to feel, even if it’s the last time. 

He wonders if he’ll be able to see Mr. Stark again.

_I hide behind the lie that has become, the new me._

_The real me._


End file.
